People are so complex. Situations involving people in relationship are an order more complicated again. Perspectives and feelings are so personal. It's all fraught with danger and often doesn't end well. That is the context of this Christian Way, our personal discipleship, ministry and the Together Life that Jesus calls His followers to embrace, called 'church'.
I have been reflecting on the last two years of my journey. This weekend two years ago I preached a sermon and then started a 13 week period of absence from my beloved church in order to study full time at seminary...while still working my day job three days a week and trying to see my family in whatever time was left over. I was depleted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally and to some extent, physically. Yet even in that condition I set myself to the 'north face' of a study mountain that would push me to within a semester of completing my Master's degree in ministry at seminary. I pulled it off, by the grace of God, and returned to my church just in time for Advent and Christmas! From the frying pan into the fire!
I had no idea it was to be the beginning of the end. I was completely blindsided by the discovery that key individuals in my church had perceived my euphemistically named "study 'break'" as a sabbatical. I had failed to build deep enough relationships with my leaders. I had also made the foolish mistake of remaining on a peppercorn salary that caused many to value me as much as they paid me. The money was irrelevant. It was lack of regard for my calling that was the toxin. And so after a few episodes of less than heavenly interaction it became very clear that the best thing to nurture The Kingdom, and indeed for the remaining threads of my self-care, was to finish well and move out, making room, I prayed, for a fresh pastor to take that very wonderful church forward into God's preferred future for them. I grieved long and I grieved hard. I grieved for my loss, and more particularly for the loss of what could so nearly have been. It takes vision and hope to dream. It takes humility and abandonment-to-God to bury a dead dream and pat the grave soil down with a shovel, and walk away.
Since then I have experienced the death of dreams in every area of my life: my family, my work for money, my relationship with my denomination, with friends, and in my understanding of what I used to refer to as 'my vocation'. Consequently, I am a much simplified person. I am more acutely aware of the blessings I have: my health, my wife, my faith in Christ, a few good friends and family and the daily rhythm of life. That's enough for me. The Lord gives and The Lord reminds us that every moment is a gift.
Two years after the beginning of the end, I am learning to care less about beginnings and ends. I care less about mean people and their agendas than I once did. The sun shines on us all alike, even me.
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo, in small but clear lettering over my heart. "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of The Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner.". Like I said, this is personal, and may not end well.
PS - I wrote this blog entry in August 2013, but delayed publishing it until now. There is a wonderful young and very smart pastor leading the church i left - and God will surely bless them together - a happy ending of that aspect for sure.
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